Close Your Eyes and Hide Tonight
by StephanieIrvine
Summary: He just wanted to matter, was that too much to ask? He thought so. Chris Jericho/Irvine.


**A/N: **It's amazing what happens when a title just comes to you (like this one did) and then the words flow. I quite like this one, I hope everyone who reads it does. Review, please?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own a thing. Man, it _sucks_ being me.

**Close Your Eyes and Hide Tonight**

Hide from the world, you know you want too. It's big and bright and full of people and you're one person, one tiny person in the billions around the world. You're insignificant, you don't matter and it scares you. There are important people out there and you're not one of them. What you wouldn't give to be one of them, to be recognized, loved and all that crazy shit. Okay, so you're a wrestler and there's a good percentage out there who would actually get on their knees and bow at your feet, but it's different you know? You want to matter, you want to be something in the world. Christ, people are winning Noble Peace prizes for finding cures for diseases and you go out there and wrestle? Where does that balance out and make the world just? Why should you matter for putting on a show, when there are important people out there who save the world?

It boggles your mind.

Like, seriously can't you find the cure for cancer or something, put research into it and come out with a result that will change the world? That will stop the chemo and radiation therapy and keep people alive, give them a new lease of life? Why can't you offer that instead of: first Undisputed Champion, countless times Intercontinental Champion, Superstar of the Year, Rock Star. Why can't you matter for something important?

Oh, who are you kidding, you majored in journalism in college, not biomedical sciences so finding a cure for cancer? Chances are, you'd never find it. But why couldn't you write a piece so moving that it'd be remembered for centuries? Couldn't you be the next Shakespeare? Couldn't you write a sonnet so epically astounding that you'd floor every single person who read it? No, you wrote a book, and it was a best seller, but it wasn't epically astounding. You just want too matter, to find a purpose.

Your purpose in this world, can't just be: Chris Jericho, '_Wrestler'._

You want to be, Chris Irvine, *insert accolade here*.

You're sick of just moving through life from one arena to the next, you're sick of pretending you're having fun. You took two years off too find yourself and all you found was, you could tell a mean life story. Couldn't you find something better? Something more worth while? No, that's why you came back. You are glad you came back. You are. Well, sorta. Maybe? Okay, not at all. It's not the same environment you left, there's new talent and they're not good, they're eye candy and you have to wonder when the business you fought so hard for when you were younger, became such a disappointment. When did coming to work become more of a chore than an enjoyment?

You think it's when you lost friends, but deep down you know it was eating away at you long before you left.

Maybe you're just having a mid-life crisis. That would be easy, but you don't do easy - you're not out there buying flashy cars or hitting on girls half your age then kissing them. No, the only thing crazy in your life right now is your pending divorce and you want to blame that on your mindset, but it's more a blessing than a problem. It was time, you'd fallen out of love a long time ago and your marriage was just passing time. You didn't want to say anything to disrupt the rut you'd found yourself in, so when Jessica suggested a trial separation you hadn't even thought twice. The _'yes'_ was past your lips before the suggestion had even fully left her own. You both knew then that it wouldn't be a trial separation, it would be permanent.

You still see here and you're glad she found someone else, you're glad someone can make her happy because you stopped trying and she's not a bad person and she deserves to be happy. You do too, but you're having a hard time finding it. You think finding a new lease on life would maybe make you happy and you want out. You don't want to be in this business anymore, you can't find the energy to bruise your body for other people's enjoyment, and it's wearing you down. You need to build everything back up. It's like learning to walk, but forgetting how. There are foundations that need to be laid and conditions that need to be tested, you just hope you don't fail at the first hurdle.

After all, the entire world is big and you're just one person, failing is not unheard of.

You're just waiting for the right moment to leave, you're pretty sure they could write you out in a heartbeat, after all it's just a score through your name and a new name written under it. You're not important, but you don't want to let anyone down, so you keep quiet. You'll wait till after this storyline finishes and make a comment about time off and your on-screen time will dwindle and people will forget and you'll smile and know its time to leave. The _'Y2J' _chants will be lost to time and _'Jericho'_ will be retired. It's how it's meant to work out, you weren't meant to last in this world. You took a shot, it lasted and now you find yourself here. You think it lasted too long, and you think you'll finally breathe when it's left behind.

You won't miss anything when you leave, it's not a business where you make connections that last a lifetime.

Well, maybe there's one.

But that was a mistake and nothing ever came of it, so really, connections - they're bullshit.

You'll just move on, meet some nice girl and live some sort of life - maybe she'll have brown hair and blue eyes and if you squint then maybe...

Maybe, you'll matter.

Even if you do find a girl and she is almost everything you want, you know you'll still have to squint. But you're good at pretending, you pretended for years you were happy with Jessica and sure there were times you were, but it was harder to squint then and pretend. You just closed your eyes and hid. But the voice was never the same either, so hiding? Yeah, that didn't work out so well. But now maybe it'll work, you won't have to squint or hide or anything, you'll be alone and maybe you need some alone time. You don't honestly know, and by this time you're pretty much just going blind with what you need, hiding from the light.

And honestly, you know where the light at the end of the tunnel leads, but you refuse to follow.

It's pointless anyway, following, you tried once and all you had to do was reach out, but your hand was smacked away and another hand was where yours was meant to be.

You were used to being the runner up to him. It wasn't the first time he triumphed over you, you don't think it'll be the last. You know he's going to show the world he's the top dog and you? Well he'll show the world where you belong. Reaching for the top, but never quite getting there. Sure, you're fingertips will brush it, they always have, but it'll always be out of your reach.

You'd never matter. Not enough to garner what you wanted.

So you'd wait and when the time was right, you'd just slip on out - no one would notice.

Especially not Stephanie.

You'd like to think she would, but the last time you saw her was six years ago - you were on Smackdown and she was the general manager - you left and that was it, now you were on Raw and again she was the boss. People forget things over years, feelings and emotions, so the chances that she remembers anything of what you had together, they're slim. Sure, they'd had scenes together on-screen, but they hadn't talked afterwards, you couldn't get away fast enough. Its different interacting with an on-screen persona and the actual person behind it, conversations would have to flow and you don't think you could have a full conversation with her without making a fool of yourself. So you hide. It's not mature and you're pretty sure you're missing something important, but it's hard - because if she's standing in front of you, you don't have to squint, but you can't reach out.

You just want to matter, to someone, anyone, mostly Stephanie.

She matters, but you don't.

To her anyway.

You don't know how it happens, but it does - one minute you're in a scene with her, arguing like both your characters live this life everyday and the next, she's talking to you, not to Chris Jericho, too Chris Irvine and you're pretty sure your hearts thumping in your chest. You're surprised she can't hear it since it's vibrating throughout the entire room. You know it's your imagination, but Heaven help you, you didn't expect this.

"We haven't spoken in a long time." You hear her say and you notice her looking down, anywhere but you.

"Six years." You whisper and your looking anywhere but her. It'd be funny if it wasn't so heartbreaking. Well, in your case anyway.

"That's long."

Yeah, you've never heard such an understatement in your life, but you don't really think now is the right time for sarcastic comments. You're all about the sarcasm these days and holding you tongue is hard, but you don't want to ruin this.

"Too long."

You both really need to speak in a full sentence soon or else this is just going to sail into unbelievably awkward. Well, more awkward than it already is.

"I missed you." You don't expect that and your head whips up and she's already staring at you and you can't help it, you can't squint and you're just staring at her and you forgot how much you missed those eyes staring into your own.

"Don't say things you don't mean." You can't help it, it's in your nature to be negative.

"I'm not, I missed you a lot."

You want to believe that she missed you like you missed her, but it'd never happen like that. It'd be to good to be true.

"Well, we were friends. I guess it's normal for friends to miss friends. I think it's a rule" You try to joke but it falls flat and neither of you are laughing and she's still staring at you and you want to walk closer, but you can't. You just can't. You don't matter to her.

"I didn't miss my friend. I missed," You watch her pause and you wait. "You."

You don't know what that means. You're not friends? She missed Chris Jericho? What does that mean?

You echo your thoughts, "What does that mean?"

"I missed you." She's said that already and it still isn't any clearer to you, and you're going to tell her that, but she continues and you decide to shut up and listen. "Six years is a long time Chris. It gives a lot of time for thinking. Thinking things like: why didn't I call you, why didn't you call me, didn't we used to be close? Why did we drift? And maybe I stopped thinking for a while, and just went with the flow - the next think I know a couple of years have passed and I'm in a marriage to a man I barely know and I have a daughter who should have your eyes. I think when I started to picture Aurora with your eyes, I realized that maybe I'd made a mistake along the way."

You're pretty much stunned at that confession, really it wasn't what you expected, but Stephanie always does have that surprising manor of surprising the shit out of you.

"We all make mistakes."

"Did you miss me?"

"I missed you even when I saw you."

"Do you think we can stop missing each other?"

"How do you propose we do that?"

"Can't we just be together?"

You find yourself smiling at that suggestion, you like it and you're pretty sure you're going to take her up on that offer. Oh, who are you kidding you know you're going to take her up on that offer. But you're not doing it verbally, you're showing her, you're kissing her and she's kissing back and you think, maybe, maybe you should reconsider thinking about leaving, especially when you have what you've been looking for.

And maybe you don't have to matter to millions, not when you matter to one person, because when you find that one person...you can open your eyes and stop hiding.

**End**


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